Being under authority is a challenge for all of us. Honoring, respecting, supporting and following those God has put in authority over us requires humility and faith in God’s ability to watch over us.
There are a couple of main reasons why it may be difficult for us to be “under” authority. First, we are all born with a predisposition to resent when anyone, including God, tells us what to do. We think that being subordinate makes us inferior, which is an affront to our personal sense of worth and dignity. Secondly, following another human being exposes us to potential harm, especially if that person is seriously flawed in his or her capabilities, motivation, or judgment. It is no wonder, then, that many wives resent, resist, and sometimes refuse their God-given role of being in submission to their husbands, especially if he fails to value or listen to her, even though she may be the more capable or wiser of the two.
How to Conquer the Inborn Rebellion Problem
Our resentment of anyone having authority over us goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve attempted to throw off God’s rule in their lives through direct disobedience to a clear command. God created humans to reproduce who and what they are in their offspring. We inherit both good and bad. Since that time, thanks to this inherited predisposition to rebellion, sometimes called the “old man” or the “flesh,” we naturally tend to resist or rebel against authority.
When Jesus arrived on planet earth, he came as the “second Adam” to undo the curse of sin and restore humanity back to a right relationship with God (under his authority and blessing).
The Gospel calls us to voluntarily submit ourselves to God again by coming under the authority of Jesus the Lord.
People usually only do this when they become aware of the futility of trying to live independently from God’s life and blessings. Repentance means we cease from trying to direct our own lives and yield to God.
For wives, or any of us, to flourish in a subordinate role, whether in the home, at work, in the church, in the community, or at school, we must first come under the authority of Christ. With respect to him, we are all subordinates.
It is vital for us to see that subordinating ourselves to human authority, wherever it exists, is a form of yielding to Christ, because all authority ultimately derives from him.
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Romans 13:1 (ESV)
This requires us to embrace the doctrine of God’s sovereignty.
It is only when we come to believe that God is well able to handle everything in life that we gain the ability to trust him to take care of us as we submit to imperfect people.
We can trust that God is able to deal effectively with leaders and those in authority as needed and come to our defense when necessary. In other words, when a wife voluntarily subordinates herself to her husband’s headship, she does so with the understanding that ultimately she is subordinating herself to God, who has promised to be her defender and keeper and who will “deal with” her husband, should he “get out of line.”
Therefore, the ability to be under a husband’s authority is directly linked to the choice to come under Christ’s authority.
How to Win against Resentment
People resent being mistreated and devalued. Because of our sin nature, those in authority sometimes abuse their position or role, perhaps without even intending to do so. It just comes “naturally.” Whether we are “in” authority or “under” authority, we often read too much into the roles God has given us, imagining that they confer some sort of inherent value to us. Those who have been given headship frequently think it makes them superior to those whom they govern. Conversely sometimes people under authority wrongly see themselves as being inferior. An air of superiority is difficult, if not impossible, to hide (except from ourselves), and it rankles those who are asked to subordinate themselves to us. We are all fallible humans in desperate need of a Savior and accountable to God for everything we do, whether we are the “top dog” or the lowest “peon.”
In marriage, a wife may resent her husband’s headship, if he abuses it to devalue or dominate her, both of which communicate an attitude of superiority on his part.
On the other hand, the husband may treat his wife with the utmost honor, but she still may feel resentment because she does not like being under authority, period. Whatever the reason, if a wife resents her husband, it will make it very difficult for her to properly fulfill her subordinate role in the marriage or show respect to him, which is a primary responsibility toward her husband.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)
Resenting and disrespecting our husbands is a sin problem.
Resentment springs from a hardened heart and is a form of bitterness, one of the most serious sins we all must combat. Disrespect toward our husbands is a form of disrespect toward God, since husbands represent Christ in the marriage.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24 (ESV)
Therefore, repentance is our first priority when we struggle with resentment and disrespect.
Unconditional Respect
Even when husbands fail to lead properly, they “deserve” to be respected simply because of the headship principle. Respect, in this case, is not earned but freely given because it is the right thing. We might call it “unconditional respect.”
Most people accept the idea of unconditional love, but fewer understand unconditional respect, which is a cornerstone of being properly subordinate.
In the military, soldiers are trained to respect and obey any officer who commands them, whether or not they like him or her, or even if they think he or she is incompetent. There are proper channels for getting relief when officers are terrible, but mutiny is never an acceptable option. The same is true in a marriage. Wives should respect their husbands as “unto Christ,” simply because they represent Christ’s authority. (Ephesians 5:22) Should a wife be subjected to unacceptable treatment by her husband, if she is in a local church, she can turn to the pastor and elders to come to her defense, while maintaining a proper attitude of respect toward her husband.
Being respectful toward “undeserving” authorities is one of the greatest tests any of us may face.
Husbands are to unconditionally love their wives, as Christ loves the church, and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands, as the church respects and obeys Christ. In both cases, Christ is our example and the one who empowers us to be obedient. He was unconditionally obedient to the Father and unconditionally laid down his life for those who were then his enemies.
If the husband unconditionally loves, values, and dignifies his wife, it will be much easier for her to respect and obey her husband.
Resentment tends to disappear when the husband properly loves his wife.
Subordination Is Not Passivity
But sometimes loving husbands are not as smart or competent as their wives. How can a wife avoid resenting being under the headship of such a man? She may imagine that God wants her to be passive, a kind of “doormat” who has nothing to offer and who gets run over continually. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Passivity is a warped and dysfunctional form of submission. To drop out of the “game” by simply “going along for the ride” is lazy and cowardly, and not God honoring or truly supportive of the husband.
Being subordinate requires us to do everything in our power to work for the success of our superiors. Sometimes this requires us to firmly voice our opposition to their position or pending decisions, before the course is firmly set. Good leaders want those under their authority to present points of view different from their own, because no one has the complete picture or has all wisdom. But once a decision is made, leaders expect those under their authority to lend their support.
Wives should clearly share their (differing, opposing, or confirming) points of view with their husbands. Wise husbands will listen and act, with proper consideration of their wives’ input.
Wise husbands will also delegate significant decision making ability to their wives in the areas where they have strength and expertise.
When husbands do this, it benefits everyone and helps wives feel their worth. Working together as a team builds unity and is God honoring. If a wife is married to a man of abilities that are inferior to hers in some areas, she should ask God and her husband for ways to use those abilities in support of her husband’s leadership. If he is uncooperative or defensive, it may require prayer and patience, and maybe even some counseling.
Conclusion
It takes faith and humility to lead and to follow. Whether we have been assigned a headship role or a subordinate one, functioning in a way that brings glory to God, requires us to keep our eyes on him and rely on the help of the indwelling Spirit. We husbands must examine our hearts continually, asking the Spirit to show us how to properly love, honor, dignify, protect, support, lead, and provide for our wives. Wives should ask the Spirit’s help in respecting, honoring, supporting, loving, and making their husbands successful in God’s sight.
God is most glorified when husbands and wives truly love and honor one another and work as a complementary team to advance God’s kingdom.
