Category: The Disciple and Marriage

What do our marriages tell the world about God?

 

 

 

 

 

People are watching. Whether we like it or not, people keep an eye on followers of Christ to see if we do what we say. They suspect us of being just as hypocritical as most others. Some people even want professing Christians to fail miserably, because they think that will get them “off the hook” with God. They can say, “See, just as I thought, Christianity is a crock! It’s not real.”

People are also watching our marriages, but not just because they want them to fail. In many cases, they want to know if people can still have a lasting union, because they hope that their marriage will have staying power, too. So many marriages are failing that it can be disheartening to those contemplating tying the knot! When people pledge lifelong faithfulness to their spouses, most really intend to keep their vows. Even in a morally confused world, people generally want the stability and security that lasting love provides.

One big reason why faithfulness in marriage is so important is because it reflects to the world the relationship between Christ and his church.

Jesus is the “husband” in the relationship, and the church is the “bride.”

FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32  This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32 (NASB)

God wants our faithfulness in marriage to be a living example of the faithfulness between Christ and his people. He promises to never leave or forsake us, and we promise to always be faithful to him. He gave himself for his bride, the church, by dying for her on a cross. Our loving response is to live and, if necessary, die for him, as we offer ourselves back to him in loving worship and service.

God always keeps his promises, and he expects us to do the same.

When we violate our solemn covenant to be faithful until death to our spouses, we transgress the very nature of God, who dwells within each believer. When we keep our word, we honor God and exemplify his faithfulness to a watching world. Love and faithfulness are two key character attributes of God, both of which a good marriage reflects to the world.

Marriage is supposed to reinforce the Gospel, not detract from it.

When we tell people that God never violates his promises nor abandons his people, if our marriages do not reflect the same kind of faithfulness, it will seem a little hollow. Sure, as humans we fail, but God remains faithful.

Even if our marriages fail, we can still testify to the mercy and redemptive power of God, but how much stronger is our witness when we live out covenant faithfulness as a kind of living parable!

So, remember: people are watching us. They want to know if following Christ makes any practical difference at all. Let our marriages be a resounding “Yes!”

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Help for wives who find submitting to their husbands is a big challenge…

 

 

 

 

 

Being under authority is a challenge for all of us. Honoring, respecting, supporting and following those God has put in authority over us requires humility and faith in God’s ability to watch over us.

There are a couple of main reasons why it may be difficult for us to be “under” authority. First, we are all born with a predisposition to resent when anyone, including God, tells us what to do. We think that being subordinate makes us inferior, which is an affront to our personal sense of worth and dignity. Secondly, following another human being exposes us to potential harm, especially if that person is seriously flawed in his or her capabilities, motivation, or judgment. It is no wonder, then, that many wives resent, resist, and sometimes refuse their God-given role of being in submission to their husbands, especially if he fails to value or listen to her, even though she may be the more capable or wiser of the two.

How to Conquer the Inborn Rebellion Problem

Our resentment of anyone having authority over us goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve attempted to throw off God’s rule in their lives through direct disobedience to a clear command. God created humans to reproduce who and what they are in their offspring. We inherit both good and bad. Since that time, thanks to this inherited predisposition to rebellion, sometimes called the “old man” or the “flesh,” we naturally tend to resist or rebel against authority.

When Jesus arrived on planet earth, he came as the “second Adam” to undo the curse of sin and restore humanity back to a right relationship with God (under his authority and blessing).

The Gospel calls us to voluntarily submit ourselves to God again by coming under the authority of Jesus the Lord.

People usually only do this when they become aware of the futility of trying to live independently from God’s life and blessings. Repentance means we cease from trying to direct our own lives and yield to God.

For wives, or any of us, to flourish in a subordinate role, whether in the home, at work, in the church, in the community, or at school, we must first come under the authority of Christ. With respect to him, we are all subordinates.

It is vital for us to see that subordinating ourselves to human authority, wherever it exists, is a form of yielding to Christ, because all authority ultimately derives from him.

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Romans 13:1 (ESV)

This requires us to embrace the doctrine of God’s sovereignty.

It is only when we come to believe that God is well able to handle everything in life that we gain the ability to trust him to take care of us as we submit to imperfect people.

We can trust that God is able to deal effectively with leaders and those in authority as needed and come to our defense when necessary. In other words, when a wife voluntarily subordinates herself to her husband’s headship, she does so with the understanding that ultimately she is subordinating herself to God, who has promised to be her defender and keeper and who will “deal with” her husband, should he “get out of line.”

Therefore, the ability to be under a husband’s authority is directly linked to the choice to come under Christ’s authority.

How to Win against Resentment

People resent being mistreated and devalued. Because of our sin nature, those in authority sometimes abuse their position or role, perhaps without even intending to do so. It just comes “naturally.” Whether we are “in” authority or “under” authority, we often read too much into the roles God has given us, imagining that they confer some sort of inherent value to us. Those who have been given headship frequently think it makes them superior to those whom they govern. Conversely sometimes people under authority wrongly see themselves as being inferior. An air of superiority is difficult, if not impossible, to hide (except from ourselves), and it rankles those who are asked to subordinate themselves to us. We are all fallible humans in desperate need of a Savior and accountable to God for everything we do, whether we are the “top dog” or the lowest “peon.”

In marriage,  a wife may resent her husband’s headship, if he abuses it to devalue or dominate her, both of which communicate an attitude of superiority on his part.

On the other hand, the husband may treat his wife with the utmost honor, but she still may feel resentment because she does not like being under authority, period. Whatever the reason, if a wife resents her husband, it will make it very difficult for her to properly fulfill her subordinate role in the marriage or show respect to him, which is a primary responsibility toward her husband.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)

Resenting and disrespecting our husbands is a sin problem.

Resentment springs from a hardened heart and is a form of bitterness, one of the most serious sins we all must combat. Disrespect toward our husbands is a form of disrespect toward God, since husbands represent Christ in the marriage.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24 (ESV)

Therefore, repentance is our first priority when we struggle with resentment and disrespect.

Unconditional Respect

Even when husbands fail to lead properly, they “deserve” to be respected simply because of the headship principle. Respect, in this case, is not earned but freely given because it is the right thing. We might call it “unconditional respect.”

Most people accept the idea of unconditional love, but fewer understand unconditional respect, which is a cornerstone of being properly subordinate.

In the military, soldiers are trained to respect and obey any officer who commands them, whether or not they like him or her, or even if they think he or she is incompetent. There are proper channels for getting relief when officers are terrible, but mutiny is never an acceptable option. The same is true in a marriage. Wives should respect their husbands as “unto Christ,” simply because they represent Christ’s authority. (Ephesians 5:22) Should a wife be subjected to unacceptable treatment by her husband, if she is in a local church, she can turn to the pastor and elders to come to her defense, while maintaining a proper attitude of respect toward her husband.

Being respectful toward “undeserving” authorities is one of the greatest tests any of us may face.

Husbands are to unconditionally love their wives, as Christ loves the church, and wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands, as the church respects and obeys Christ. In both cases, Christ is our example and the one who empowers us to be obedient. He was unconditionally obedient to the Father and unconditionally laid down his life for those who were then his enemies.

If the husband unconditionally loves, values, and dignifies his wife, it will be much easier for her to respect and obey her husband.

Resentment tends to disappear when the husband properly loves his wife.

Subordination Is Not Passivity

But sometimes loving husbands are not as smart or competent as their wives. How can a wife avoid resenting being under the headship of such a man? She may imagine that God wants her to be passive, a kind of “doormat” who has nothing to offer and who gets run over continually. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Passivity is a warped and dysfunctional form of submission. To drop out of the “game” by simply “going along for the ride” is lazy and cowardly, and not God honoring or truly supportive of the husband.

Being subordinate requires us to do everything in our power to work for the success of our superiors. Sometimes this requires us to firmly voice our opposition to their position or pending decisions, before the course is firmly set.  Good leaders want those under their authority to present points of view different from their own, because no one has the complete picture or has all wisdom. But once a decision is made, leaders expect those under their authority to lend their support.

Wives should clearly share their (differing, opposing, or confirming) points of view with their husbands. Wise husbands will listen and act, with proper consideration of their wives’ input.

Wise husbands will also delegate significant decision making ability to their wives in the areas where they have strength and expertise.

When husbands do this, it benefits everyone and helps wives feel their worth. Working together as a team builds unity and is God honoring. If a wife is married to a man of abilities that are inferior to hers in some areas, she should ask God and her husband for ways to use those abilities in support of her husband’s leadership. If he is uncooperative or defensive, it may require prayer and patience, and maybe even some counseling.

Conclusion

It takes faith and humility to lead and to follow. Whether we have been assigned a headship role or a subordinate one, functioning in a way that brings glory to God, requires us to keep our eyes on him and rely on the help of the indwelling Spirit. We husbands must examine our hearts continually, asking the Spirit to show us how to properly love, honor, dignify, protect, support, lead, and provide for our wives. Wives should ask the Spirit’s help in respecting, honoring, supporting, loving, and making their husbands successful in God’s sight.

God is most glorified when husbands and wives truly love and honor one another and work as a complementary team to advance God’s kingdom.

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Why some husbands refuse or abuse being the head of the family…

 

 

 

 

 

God made husbands the head in the marriage. They are the most responsible for the well-being of the family and the most culpable if things go wrong. Because some men are afraid of or resent that role because of the pressure and work attached to it, they “abdicate the throne,” leaving the family directionless, unprotected, and floundering spiritually and in other ways. Wives of such men can either accept their passive approach to headship or take matters into their own hands. In many households, the wife takes the reins to keep the family from self-destructing. Rather than watch their families “go down the tubes,” they become the functional head of the family, which may suit the husband fine, apparently getting him off the hook. This is never good for the husband’s psyche or the respect factor in the marriage.

Apparently, Adam was such an abdicator. The picture of what happened during the temptation in the garden shows Eve taking the initiative and Adam silently going along. Adam was the person God commanded not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He communicated the order to Eve, but either he misstated it or she misunderstood it, because the version she related to the snake was incorrect. So, right there, we see a breakdown of the proper functioning of headship.

  • Adam failed to properly instruct his wife.
  • Secondly, he left her unprotected from the snake’s temptation. Why did he not step in and tell the serpent to leave his wife alone?
  • Thirdly, he did not resist Eve when she offered him the fruit. He passively went along, allowing her to lead him down the path to destruction.

The flip side of abdication is abuse. Many men relish being in charge and greedily grab the privileges and power associated with being the head in order to get their own way. Instead of serving their families, they domineer, intimidate, and use them.

What This Does to Wives

Abdication and abuse are both examples of a failure to properly serve and promote insecurity and resentment in the family. Not surprising this tends to damage a wife’s ability to respect and follow her husband.

(Of course, women do not have to respond in such a negative way. We are not victims of other people’s behavior, even though we are influenced by it.)

Some wives of passive men may sink into fear, insecurity, and a sense of powerlessness. Those with a stronger personality will take to themselves what their husbands lay down. Plenty of families are led by strong women married to passive men. Taken to the extreme, wives can become domineering and abusive in their own right and very much out of God’s order.

Wives of domineering men, may fight back or become victims. Either way, respect is damaged and love harmed. Smoldering resentment, unless released through forgiveness, can rip the marriage apart.

What Can Be Done?

Husbands who have run from their responsibilities, whether they have an aggressive “leadership” personality or not, must “step up to the plate” and accept the responsibility for leading, providing for, protecting, and teaching their families. Husbands who have selfishly abused headship must repent of seeking their own agenda at the expense of the well-being of the wife and children.

Headship, according to Jesus is servant leadership. Jesus laid down his life for his “wife,” the church. We husbands are to do the same for our wives and families.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24  But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, Ephesians 5:23-25 (NASB)

God will help us to overcome our fears and self-centeredness. He always gives grace to help us do what he commands. If it is scary to lead, be assured that it is scary for our wives and family to follow us, too. If it is difficult to humble ourselves to serve our family instead of dominate them, we can be certain that it takes great humility to follow another person’s lead, too.

Whether we lead or follow, it takes faith and humility.

Husbands must also realize that leading does not mean that they must do everything. Good leaders know how to delegate. Our wives may have abilities in various areas that surpass ours.

A wise leader delegates without relinquishing overall responsibility.

Those of us who tend toward being domineering must learn to put others first and become servants. Serving others is not a sign of weakness. Jesus was the greatest servant of all, but he is unquestionably the Lord of lords.

What Assuming Proper Headship Can Mean for our Wives

Even strong women appreciate husbands who step up and lead. Less strong wives may appreciate it even more. However, when a wife has operated as the functioning head of the family for a long time, it may be quite difficult to let go and trust the husband to assume his proper place. God’s grace will be needed.

Husbands who act as servant leaders and provide proper headship for their wives and families help create a safe atmosphere of security, love, and peace in their families. This removes pressure from the wife that God never intended for her to carry. What a relief!

Proper headship erects a barrier against satanic temptation and attack. Proper leadership gives good instruction and guidance, helping to insure that children have every advantage in life. There are no negatives to husbands being loving and humble servant leaders to their families.

Prayer for Husbands Who Want to Lead Properly

Lord, Jesus, please forgive me for failing to lead my family as I should. I trust you to help me be the leader, provider, protector, teacher, guide, and keeper of my family. I understand that you are all those things for me. It gives you pleasure to help me represent you to those I love. Help me to lovingly serve my wife and children. Help me to be an example of a disciple and show them how to follow you for themselves. Help me to be lovingly firm, when I need to be, and flexible, when that is more appropriate. Help me to be patient with them as they adjust to the “new me.” Amen.

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Are you willing to play a role or must you be the director?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shakespeare penned this memorable words:

All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts… (As You Like It – Act 2, Scene 7)

The author of a play creates the characters and plot, scripts the lines, and decides how it begins and ends. The director decides who plays what role and tells them to some degree how to act. Those who play the roles must be willing to act according to how the play was written under the oversight of the director. If they play the role well, the observer  might even conclude that they are actually that person in real life, but they would be wrong. The role is quite different from the true identity of the actor or actress, but there may be some overlap. The success of the play largely depends on how well the actors play their roles. Those who are great at role playing may become quite wealthy.

Life is like that. God wrote and directs the “play,” created the set (the world) and the characters (us), and assigned everyone roles to play. How willingly and well we accept our God-given roles in life will greatly influence our success here, during our short stay on planet earth. It will also determine in large measure our eternal reward. But just as with a play or movie, the role we play does not define our true identity. It’s just a temporary role.

Roles Do Not Define Us

What defines us? Our gender? Age? Politics? Religious beliefs? Our position (role) in government, at work, at church, or in the home? All of this contributes to an overall picture of who we are as individuals, but none of these things truly define us.

At our core, we are spiritual beings, who can only be defined by God, since he is our Creator, and, hopefully for you and me, our Redeemer.

God breathed spirit into Adam’s body, and he became a living soul. (Genesis 2:7) Our bodies are what people see, our souls or personalities are what we present to other people as the real “us,” but God knows us at a still deeper level in the spirit.

For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 1 Corinthians 2:11 (ESV)

When Jesus rose from the dead, he ushered in a new reality, which becomes our reality, at least in seed form, when we are “born again” by the Spirit of God. Our true identity becomes linked to Christ as a result of our being joined or “one” with him.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (ESV)

Believers in Christ are not defined by their sins, defects, failures, or past. They are identified with the new resurrection reality called the “new creation.” (2 Corinthians 5:16-17) At the resurrection of the dead, when we fully experience this new reality, things that now tend to define and separate us from each other will be obliterated, as Paul so eloquently wrote long ago.

For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. 27  For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28  There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29  And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, heirs according to promise. Galatians 3:26-29 (NASB)

Let’s Get Practical

Nevertheless, we still live in a world that has not yet fully come into this resurrection reality; although we can experience it in part. There are still Jewish people and Gentiles, slaves and free in some areas of the world (bosses and employees where we live), and male and female. As much as many moderns wish to obliterate gender differences, they still are very much part of everyday life and reality, down to the chromosomal level.

Our resurrection reality is in the spirit, but we still live in a fallen world, where body and soul differences are extremely important and consequential. Even those who are born again and are new spiritual creations must navigate a world and relationships in which outer distinctions greatly affect us.

Men and women have very different bodies with unique functions and abilities. Only a woman can conceive, carry, and give birth to a child. Only a man can be a father. Like it or not, our gender somewhat defines our roles in life, at least when it comes to having children and those things that requires great physical strength.

Gender specific roles are similar to parts in a play. The better we play our assigned role, the more faithful we will reflect the author’s intent. The roles God has given us in life do not define us at a core level, but we must play the part God assigned us.

These roles in marriage are, for the man, headship, and, for the woman, submission. Don’t be scared off by these two words. I believe I will be able to show you why these two roles can be beautifully beneficial, fulfilling, and God glorifying, as long as we understand they are only temporary roles.

Why Our God-given Roles Are Abused and Resented

To understand the fundamental problem many people have with headship and submission, we must go back to the beginning. When Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden, the devil accused God of not having their best interests at heart when he forbade them from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Ever since, humanity tends to distrust God and rebel against his commands. It brought death and destruction then. Why would we think ignoring or disobeying his commands will produce a better result today?

When humanity plunged off the cliff into self-directing our lives instead of relying upon God to do it, our personalities, society, culture, and even the rest of the creation were distorted from God’s original design and intent. God created husbands to lead and operate in a servant form of headship, but that has been twisted into selfishly motivated domination. Wives were created to come alongside their husbands as complementary companions, under the husband’s loving and benevolent headship, but because of his selfishness or, in some cases, abandonment of his leadership responsibilities, wives have become distrustful, bitter, and rebellious against their husbands’ leadership. In addition, women are sinfully and rebelliously disinclined to follow their husbands, even when they to do things God’s way. What a mess!

But God has a better plan. He wants husbands and wives to accept his marriage plan, follow the Bible’s teachings, and allow the Holy Spirit to do  his “inside job” in our lives, so that our marriages can reflect his benevolent intent.

God wants us to be role players, not the director of the play.

The next two articles will develop this idea from the perspectives of the husband and the wife.

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Three Is Better than Two

 

 

 

 

 

Once we agree that marriage is a serious covenant commitment to remain faithful to our spouses until death, we need to understand that God never expected for us to be able to keep this commitment simply by relying on our own resources. We were not created to go it alone. This article will examine how the Holy Spirit works inside followers of Christ to enable us to be better marriage partners. If we put our faith in Jesus Christ and make him the center of the marriage, he promises to help us to love and be faithful to each other.

Being a disciple of Christ is a very important element to having a happy and lasting marriage.

The Christian’s Greatest Secret

Many who call themselves believers in Christ have not yet discovered what is perhaps the greatest secret of the Christian life. Jesus died for our sins, so that we can be forgiven and restored to a right relationship with God our Father, but the blessing does not stop there. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to indwell those who pledge allegiance to him.

What makes the New Covenant so radically different from the Law or any religious or self-help system is that, when we are born again, the Holy Spirit joins to our spirits and begins to live God’s life through us. (1 Corinthians 6:17)

He transforms us within as we learn to rely on and cooperate with him each day. Christianity is a partnership with God’s Spirit, a dance with an invisible partner, a drawing of life from the vine of which we are branches.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. 5  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5 (NLT)

Being “Equally Yoked”

What does this mean for a Christian marriage? If a man and a woman want to marry, one of the first questions that should be asked is whether or not both of them are committed to following Christ and his teachings. If not, the Bible calls this being “unequally yoked,” which is a bad idea. Oxen were paired in a yoke to pull heavy loads. Unless they pulled together, things did not work well. Unless a husband and wife are on the same team spiritually, the marriage is headed for trouble.

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? 15  What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (NLT)

Marriage is the ultimate sharing of life, and if both parties are not unified in their dedication as disciples, it will be frustrating down the road. It is not recommended to marry someone who is not committed to following Christ.

However, if both partners are committed to serving the Lord, they have a basis for building a strong, lasting, and fulfilling marriage. The things that make a good disciple also make a good spouse.

This is because both will be committed to three things.

  1. Putting Christ’s teachings into practice. This means they will love truth, practice the “Golden Rule,” be quick to forgive, honest, patient, faithful, etc., which are character qualities pursued by those who are Christ’s followers and which the Holy Spirit develops within us.
  2. Allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us. The Spirit points out to us when we need to repent and ask forgiveness. He changes our desires from within, transforming us into people who make better marriage partners, people who love, put others first, are unselfish, etc. He teaches us what we need to know and reminds us about what the Bible teaches.
  3. Living in the fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord constrains us from pursuing foolish and self-centered agendas that would violate the marriage covenant and Christ’s teachings.

A Threefold Cord

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11  Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (ESV)

Solomon’s words have much to say about marriage. It is better to be married than be alone, but, having Christ woven into the marriage is the best of all.

Making our Lord the center of our marriage makes it very strong. Two is good, but three is better.

Application

If we are already a committed follower of Christ and are married to one, it is a good thing to reaffirm with our spouses our joint commitment to Christ, his teachings, and to our marriages. We can ask the Holy Spirit to bind us together in marriage as he works in each of us individually.

For anyone who is not yet a follower of Christ, what is stopping you from becoming one now? It simply requires your acknowledgement that you are no longer willing to be an independent operator. Surrender your life to Christ as the Good Shepherd. Let him run things from now on. Ask him to forgive your past sins and restore you to a right relationship with Father God. Ask him to send the Holy Spirit to live inside you and change you from the inside out. (Here is a sample prayer.)

What if you are committed to Christ, but your spouse is not? Ask God to open his or her eyes to the gospel. Pray, share your testimony, love him or her in a way that helps them understand how much God loves them. Be patient. Trust the Lord to work in them, even if it takes a long time. Never give up.

Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? 17  Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. 1 Corinthians 7:16-17 (NLT)
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Commitment – An Important Key to Happiness

 

 

 

 

 

About half of all marriages end in divorce. No wonder many opt simply to live together, just in the likely case things don’t work out. However, choosing against marriage also carries a heavy price tag, which I covered in my first article in this series entitled, Why Do People Hate Marriage.” A good marriage is something to be desired, and it is attainable. God created marriage to provide companionship, children, societal stability, and many other blessings. This article will give you a simple key that will help you build a happy and lasting marriage. Simple is not always easy, but what worth having comes easily?

Marriage Is a Covenant

It’s hard to build something as complex as a good marriage, when no plans or instructions are available. Those of us who come from broken families have an even more difficult time because we have not seen a good marriage modeled. What we see on TV and in the movies is not always conducive to building a strong marriage either. Where can we find a good model or trustworthy instructions? The Bible is a great place to start.

The Bible says that marriage is first of all a covenant of companionship.

The marriage covenant is a vow made before God and human witnesses that we will be faithful until death to our spouses, forsaking all other competitors for our love. In our culture, rings are usually exchanged to remind us of our vow and to provide visible evidence to everyone else of our having made this commitment. Breaking the vow through adultery, abandonment,  abuse, or divorce carries a serious consequence, which is spiritual, psychological, social, and financial. This is how it should be.

Divorce ought to be costly, because it tears apart something God put together.

Jesus taught the following:

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4  He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5  and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6  So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7  They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8  He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9  And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:3-9 (ESV)

Marriage is not a simple agreement, which can be easily amended or canceled. It is not a business contract; even though some approach it that way. It is a covenant before God and witnesses that we will be faithful until death.

In the Old Testament a covenant was a solemn promise in which blood was usually shed. It also usually had some sort of seal or token of the commitment. Violation of the covenant carried a stiff penalty. A good example is the covenant God made with Abraham. The Lord instructed him to kill animals and split them in half, placing the divided halves on the ground with a space between them. Normally both covenant parties would walk between these portions with the understanding that violating the covenant invited punishment equivalent to what happened to the animals. In Abraham’s case, God alone walked through the carcasses, taking upon himself unilateral responsibility to keep his covenant promises to Abraham. The sign of the covenant was circumcision. Abraham had a permanent reminder in his body of the covenant between him and God.

Marriage is a bilateral covenant. Both parties take on the responsibility to be faithful. The sign of the covenant is the ring. Covenants are no light thing.

Since marriage is a covenant made before God, we will answer to him for how well we uphold our end of the deal. We will also be rewarded by him for keeping our vows.

The Importance of Keeping Our Word

In today’s world, many people have little or no fear of God or of being judged by him at the end of time. Nevertheless, every one of us will give our Lord Jesus Christ an account for our lives and whether or not we have been faithful to him and to our word. Keeping promises is very big on God’s list of priorities. He is a promise keeper and expects us to do the same.

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Numbers 23:19 (ESV)

Faithfulness means we keep allegiance to God, first of all, and to our promises secondly. Those who maintain faithfulness will be rewarded by God.

Many in our culture place personal happiness at the very top of their list of values. I have known people who justified divorcing their spouses because they insisted that God wanted them to be happy, which was not possible while they were married to their then current spouse.

God does care about our happiness, but he values our faithfulness to our promises even more. Happiness is a temporary thing, but faithfulness carries an eternal reward.

When we make a covenant promise to our spouse at marriage, keeping it becomes one of the most important issues in life, even more important than having a spouse who fulfills our desire for personal happiness.

I am sure I just lost some of you, but consider that being faithful carries its own brand of happiness, which will never fade and which we will carry with us to judgment, where we will hear our Lord say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21) In other words, once we get over the need to pursue our own pleasure and determine to keep our word no matter what, God will make sure we experience plenty of happiness, but not the superficial kind. We will know the deep satisfaction of loving someone unconditionally, just as God loves us. We will find the joy of loving someone despite his or her faults, shortcomings, and sins, just as God does for us. I am sure it was absolutely no fun whatsoever for Jesus to be nailed to a cross, but his faithfulness to God and us enabled him to endure the shame and pain because he understood that on the other side of that suffering was something indescribably valuable.

Understanding the importance of being faithful until death will help us to enter marriage with the proper sense of gravity and give us a reason to persevere when things get tough.

Remember: at the altar, we vow to be faithful until death, not until something or someone better comes along.

In summary, knowing and embracing that marriage is a covenant before God to remain faithful for life to our spouse is an important key to building a strong marriage. Making this commitment up front will preserve us from ever considering that divorce is an option, barring adultery, abandonment, or abuse, and even then there may be hope for reconciliation.

Making the commitment to keep our covenant promises is a huge key to the happiness that comes from building a lasting and strong marriage.

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Why Do People Hate Marriage?

 

 

 

 

 

Why is marriage such a controversial topic? Is it an outdated man-made contrivance that we should discard, or is it a God-given protection and blessing? The assault on traditional marriage by many in power today is spiritual warfare and an attempt to undermine God’s benevolent rule. Those who reject marriage reject God’s plan and the inherent blessings attached. We are sowing the wind and will reap the whirlwind. (Hosea 8:7)

The Naturalistic Worldview and Marriage

One prevalent modern way of interpreting reality is through the lens of the naturalistic worldview, which conjectures that there is no God, no Creator, and no being outside of ourselves to whom people are ultimately accountable. According to this viewpoint, life is strictly biologically mechanistic, having no spiritual component. We are sentient beings that randomly evolved from unconscious and uncaring matter of an unknown origin. This worldview allows for no sort of conscious creation or involvement by an outside intelligent force or being.

In this way of seeing the world, all morality, laws, and values are human constructs that can be altered or abolished at will. There is no ultimate test for what is right or wrong. All that we have are socially accepted norms enforced by those in power.

The West is increasingly embracing this way of looking at life, which is fueling our drift away from traditional marriage values, which derive from the ancient Judaeo-Christian ethic and tradition.

Under the naturalistic worldview, marriage is a primitive social contrivance, perhaps needed in an age when women were unable to fend for themselves and were more at risk. It is not needed today when women have been empowered by society to forge their own destinies and compete on an equal footing with men.

According to this worldview, the institution of marriage can be tinkered with or even abolished, according to the whims or preferences of whoever is in power politically, without any fear of repercussions coming from a Supreme Being. Man is evolving and so should society and its laws.

Marriage may be viewed by naturalists as limiting people and against “nature,” since we often are drawn to other sexual partners than the one we happen to be with now. Why should we limit ourselves to one person over a lifetime or encumber ourselves with all the legal and financial obligations of the marriage “contract?” Today sex is readily available outside of the marriage bond: so, being wed is no longer viewed as the only safe and legitimate way to enjoy sexual privileges, as was the case in years past.

In addition, why should a primary wage earner or wealthy person take the financial risks associated with marriage? We see examples all around us of unfaithful partners exacting financial revenge on their former spouses or leaving their wealthy partner with half of his or her assets, perhaps never having intended to be faithful over the long haul. Former husbands, who may have done nothing to destroy their marriages, often are forced to carry the impossible burden of supporting two households, even in the cases when the wife abandons the marriage to pursue someone else and takes the children.

The only reason for marriage under the naturalistic worldview is for the stability it offers to the one who is not the primary wage earner and to the children.

If not for the marriage agreement, many primary wage earners might abandon their spouse and children, leaving them destitute.

However, even the naturalist must acknowledge the emotional forces that influence people to marry. It seems that humans have a built in desire, at least at first, to be forever faithful. Multitudes of love songs illustrate that lovers regularly promise lifelong fidelity to the one they desire. Unfortunately, over the long haul, those strong feelings of love and sexual desire often fade, leaving people feeling as if they have been somehow robbed, and setting them up to go looking for another with whom to go through the cycle again, producing serial monogamy at best, and transient sexual partners at worst.

It is easy to see why, looking at life through the naturalistic worldview, marriage may not be a great idea.

Why not cohabit without legal ties with the person with whom we want to share life? Why not depend on a person’s desire to remain in the relationship, instead of binding the person legally? Why not leave the door open for escape without the costs involved with legal divorce? That is the reasoning many today use as they forego marriage and choose to simply live together, many times having and raising children under this set up. Time will tell if this is a wise course of action. Our aging populace may one day rue not having a firmer relational foundation.

The Biblical Worldview

The God-centered worldview has many subsets. I will limit myself to the Christian biblical viewpoint, because that is mine.

This approach accepts that the Bible is a completely reliable source of truth and its account of creation is accurate.

Therefore, Scripture provides us with the truth about God, mankind, life, destiny, judgment, salvation, and many other things, including our subject, marriage. Faith in the God of the Bible shapes our entire way of looking at life.

The biblical worldview teaches us that God created the first man, named Adam. Out of Adam, he created, Eve, a suitable or complementary partner for him.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper as his complement.” Genesis 2:18 (HCSB)

The Bible teaches that God created humans in his image. The logic here is that by pulling Eve out of Adam, God requires the recombination of male and female in marriage to get back to the whole. Another way to put this is that it takes both the male and female to give us a more complete idea of what God is like. This complementarian view acknowledges that men and women need each other for more than just producing children.

God prefaced the creation of Eve with the acknowledgement that “it is not good for the man to be alone.” The first reason God brought a man and woman together was to alleviate loneliness.

Some have called marriage first and foremost a “covenant of companionship.”  The second paramount reason for a man and woman to be joined together in marriage, according to the Bible, is to fulfill God’s first commandment following creation to be fruitful and multiply. God created marriage therefore, to provide companionship and children. This is called the family, the basic unit of society, the most important social institution on the planet.

The family provides protection, provision, training, and guidance to its members and stability to society.

Since God created us male and female, and joined a man and woman together for life, humanity does not have permission to alter what God instituted.

Nor can we lightly terminate marriages without going against God’s created order. Jesus taught us the following:

Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" 4  And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, 5  and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? 6  "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7  They *said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?" 8  He *said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9  "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." Matthew 19:3-9 (NASB)

Why Marriage Is Hated by Many

The basic sin of humankind is rebellion against God. People who do not acknowledge that God is the Creator have declared war against God. Their mission is to try to throw off any rules and regulations that God has instituted. This is what Adam and Eve did in the garden, when they decided to disobey God’s simple command and make a go of doing life independently.

Since marriage was  instituted by God and declared by Jesus to non-violable, it is only reasonable that those who will not acknowledge or surrender to Jesus’ lordship will not submit to this ordinance either.

Just as Adam and Eve decided to make their own decisions regarding right and wrong, mankind today continues with this exercise in futility by questioning and discarding something as foundational as marriage.

The Bible teaches that those who launch out on this course become foolish and bring destruction upon themselves. (Romans 1:21-22)

Today marriage is a controversial topic because Satan and those under his influence are working hard to destroy it. The devil knows that if marriage goes, so does society. He is a destroyer, thief, and murderer. He wants humanity to suffer and society to be overthrown.

Experience, research, and statistics show that broken marriages harm everyone involved, particularly children. In single family homes, children are far more likely to drop out of school, turn to crime, and under-perform in life. In addition, children from broken and single parent homes usually lack a good model for marriage. Therefore, they do not know what a good marriage is or how to work toward having one. Generally, broken families perpetuate themselves for generations, unless with God’s help people rise to the occasion and make a stand to build and maintain good marriages.

Making the Commitment to Build a Strong Marriage

Hopefully, you see the importance of marriage and are willing to make a commitment to build a strong one for your own good, the good of your children, the good of society, and, most importantly, the glory of God. The articles that follow will provide you with some keys and insights that will help you build a great marriage, if you are willing to follow Christ’s teachings and trust in the Holy Spirit to do in you and your spouse the deep inner work that will be necessary.

Prayer

Lord Jesus, I acknowledge that you are the Lord of my life. I submit myself, my marriage, my spouse, and my family to you. I ask you to teach me your ways and change me on the inside, so that I can better obey you and love my family. I ask you to bless my spouse and marriage. Amen.

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