God intends for husbands to have what is called headship in marriage. This means they have the responsibility to lead. When men accept this privilege and duty, with God’s help they can be a source of blessing to the wife and children. Unfortunately, some husbands either abuse or refuse this privilege and responsibility, which creates significant problems for the wife and children.

Husbands are most responsible before God for the well-being of the family and the most culpable if things go wrong. Because some men are afraid of or resent that role because of the pressure and work attached to it, they sometimes “abdicate the throne,” becoming self-centered or passive, leaving the family directionless, unprotected, and floundering spiritually and in other ways. Wives of such men sometimes resort to taking matters into their own hands rather than watch their family suffer. In many households, the wife takes the reins to keep the family from self-destructing. They operate as the functional head of the family, which may suit the husband fine, apparently getting him off the hook. Though this sort of set up may “work,” it is not God’s best. It can lead to the wife losing respect for her husband and the man losing self-respect, too.

Apparently, Adam was just such a man. During the temptation in the garden, Eve took the initiative and Adam passively went along for the ride. Adam was the one God had commanded not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, giving him prime responsibility for being obedient. He must have communicated what God said to Eve, but either he misstated it or she misunderstood it, because the version she related to the serpent was incorrect. So, right from the start, we see a breakdown of the proper functioning of headship.

• Adam failed to properly or clearly instruct his wife.
• Secondly, he left her unprotected from the snake’s temptation. Why did he not step in and tell the serpent to leave his wife alone?
• Thirdly, he did not resist Eve when she offered him the fruit. He passively went along, allowing her to lead him down a path to destruction.

The flip side of abdication is abuse. Many men relish being in charge and greedily grab the privileges and power associated with being the head in order to get their own way. Instead of serving their families, they domineer, intimidate, and abuse them. 

Abdication and abuse are both examples of a husband’s failure to properly lead, serve, guard, and provide for his family.

Both of these failures generally promote insecurity and resentment. Not surprisingly, both tend to damage a wife’s ability to respect and follow her husband’s leadership. Some wives of passive men may sink into fear, insecurity, and a sense of powerlessness. Those with a stronger personality may take to themselves what their husbands cast aside. Plenty of families are led by strong women married to passive men. Taken to the extreme, wives can become domineering and abusive in their own right and very much out of God’s proper order. Wives of domineering men, may fight back or become victims. Either way, respect and love are damaged. Sometimes the presence of the resulting resentment, unless released through repentance and forgiveness, can rip a marriage apart.

Husbands who have run from their responsibilities, whether they have an aggressive “leadership” personality or not, must make the decision to accept the responsibility for leading, providing for, protecting, and teaching their families. Husbands who have selfishly abused headship must repent of seeking their own agendas at the expense of the well-being of the wife and children.

Headship, according to Jesus is servant leadership. Jesus laid down his life for his “wife,” the church. We husbands are to do the same for our wives and families.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24  But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, Ephesians 5:23-25 (NASB)  

God will help us men to overcome our fears and self-centeredness. He always gives grace to help us do what he commands. If it is scary for us to lead, we can be assured that it is scary for our wives and family to follow us, too. (Smile) If it is difficult to humble ourselves to serve our family instead of dominating them, we can be certain that it takes great humility to follow another person’s lead, too.

Whether we are called to lead or follow, it takes faith and humility. Both are done in the fear of the Lord in order to please the Lord.

Husbands must also realize that leading does not mean that they must do everything. Good leaders know how to delegate. Our wives may have abilities in various areas that surpass ours.

A wise leader delegates without relinquishing overall responsibility.

Those of us who tend toward being domineering must learn to put others first and become servants. Serving others is not a sign of weakness. Jesus was the greatest servant of all, but he is unquestionably the Lord of lords.

Even strong women usually appreciate husbands who step up to lead. Less strong wives perhaps may appreciate it even more. However, when a wife has operated as the functional head of the family for a long time, it may be quite a challenge for her to let go and trust the husband to assume his proper place. God’s grace will be needed for both spouses.

Husbands who act as servant leaders and provide proper headship for their wives and families help create a safe atmosphere of security, love, and peace in their families and removes pressure from the wife that God never intended for her to carry. 

Proper headship erects a barrier against satanic temptation and attack. Proper leadership gives good instruction and guidance, helping to insure that children have every advantage in life. There are no negatives to husbands being loving and humble servant leaders to their families.

Prayer for Husbands Who Want to Lead Properly

Lord, Jesus, please help me to be the leader, provider, protector, teacher, guide, and keeper of my family. I understand that you are all those things for me. It gives you pleasure to help me represent you to those I love. Help me to lovingly serve my wife and children. Help me to be an example of a disciple and show them how to follow you for themselves. Amen.