When counseling young couples before marriage, I usually warn them about future disappointment by using a little humor. The man comes into the marriage hoping his wife will never change. The wife hopes to change her husband. Both are going to be disappointed. The old saying is that love is blind. We tend to gloss over our intended’s failings at first as we focus on what makes him or her so special to us. As the newness of marriage wanes, those blemishes start to stand out more. What we might have regarded as “cute” flaws may loom much larger as time goes by. We also will likely discover things about our spouses that we did not previously know, some good and some bad.
Since humans are flawed and all of us are prone to sin, disappointment in marriage is somewhat inevitable.
So, how do we handle it in a way that pleases God and maintains a strong marriage bond?
Since everyone of us has faults and habits that are not ideal, we must decide if what we see in our spouse is something that needs to be confronted or overlooked.
Some sins require confrontation, which our Lord addressed in Matthew Chapter 18. We are to speak to our spouses about what offends us in their behavior, hoping that they will take our words to heart and repent. If that is the case, perfect. If no repentance is forthcoming, we may need to take things to the next level, which is to enlist help from a trusted friend. Every marriage probably needs such a person, who is trusted by both the husband and the wife and who can speak candidly to both about any issue that may arise. If that does not work, depending on the seriousness of the offense, it may become necessary to involve church leadership in a final attempt to right the wrong. It goes without saying that this would only be employed in serious cases, such as when abuse, adultery, addiction or some other marriage-damaging issue is in play.
Most of the time, however, we are faced with less serious faults and failings in our spouses that require a different approach. This is where the following verse from Peter’s first letter comes into focus.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (NLT)
When we see a fault in our spouses, we can choose to focus on it or overlook it. The more we focus on something, the larger it becomes to us.
Once we go down the path of negativity toward our spouses, it may cause us to overlook their good qualities instead of their faults. It goes without saying that once this dynamic sets up in a marriage, it breeds criticism, discourages our spouses, sets up the sowing and reaping principle, and hurts the marriage. If we want to keep the marriage bond strong, we will need to make the decision to lovingly overlook some things.
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:13–14 (NLT)
If this seems too difficult, remember that our spouse is faced with the same choice regarding our faults and failings. Every single one of us is someone else’s “grace tester.”
We will need to enlist the Lord’s help in this matter. The Holy Spirit puts up with us and he can show us how to love our spouses despite their flaws.
We should ask the Lord to remind us of the many good qualities in our spouses, which we may be taking for granted. If we make the choice to be thankful for those, the flaws will tend to fade in significance. The choice is ours. We can be critics or encouragers. We know that the devil accuses; so, we want to avoid becoming like him. The Holy Spirit is the greatest of all encouragers. He wants us to develop that ability with his help. The more we encourage and appreciate our spouses, the more they will flourish and our marriage be a joy. Who knows, they might even stop doing some of those aggravating things? If they do, we might not even notice.
