God made husbands the head in the marriage. They are the most responsible for the well-being of the family and the most culpable if things go wrong. Because some men are afraid of or resent that role because of the pressure and work attached to it, they “abdicate the throne,” leaving the family directionless, unprotected, and floundering spiritually and in other ways. Wives of such men can either accept their passive approach to headship or take matters into their own hands. In many households, the wife takes the reins to keep the family from self-destructing. Rather than watch their families “go down the tubes,” they become the functional head of the family, which may suit the husband fine, apparently getting him off the hook. This is never good for the husband’s psyche or the respect factor in the marriage.

Apparently, Adam was such an abdicator. The picture of what happened during the temptation in the garden shows Eve taking the initiative and Adam silently going along. Adam was the person God commanded not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He communicated the order to Eve, but either he misstated it or she misunderstood it, because the version she related to the snake was incorrect. So, right there, we see a breakdown of the proper functioning of headship.

• Adam failed to properly instruct his wife.
• Secondly, he left her unprotected from the snake’s temptation. Why did he not step in and tell the serpent to leave his wife alone?
• Thirdly, he did not resist Eve when she offered him the fruit. He passively went along, allowing her to lead him down the path to destruction.

The flip side of abdication is abuse. Many men relish being in charge and greedily grab the privileges and power associated with being the head in order to get their own way. Instead of serving their families, they domineer, intimidate, and use them.

What This Does to Wives

Abdication and abuse are both examples of a failure to properly serve and promote insecurity and resentment in the family. Not surprising this tends to damage a wife’s ability to respect and follow her husband.

(Of course, women do not have to respond in such a negative way. We are not victims of other people’s behavior, even though we are influenced by it.)

Some wives of passive men may sink into fear, insecurity, and a sense of powerlessness. Those with a stronger personality will take to themselves what their husbands lay down. Plenty of families are led by strong women married to passive men. Taken to the extreme, wives can become domineering and abusive in their own right and very much out of God’s order.

Wives of domineering men, may fight back or become victims. Either way, respect is damaged and love harmed. Smoldering resentment, unless released through forgiveness, can rip the marriage apart.

What Can Be Done?

Husbands who have run from their responsibilities, whether they have an aggressive “leadership” personality or not, must “step up to the plate” and accept the responsibility for leading, providing for, protecting, and teaching their families. Husbands who have selfishly abused headship must repent of seeking their own agenda at the expense of the well-being of the wife and children.

Headship, according to Jesus is servant leadership. Jesus laid down his life for his “wife,” the church. We husbands are to do the same for our wives and families.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24  But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, Ephesians 5:23-25 (NASB)  

God will help us to overcome our fears and self-centeredness. He always gives grace to help us do what he commands. If it is scary to lead, be assured that it is scary for our wives and family to follow us, too. If it is difficult to humble ourselves to serve our family instead of dominate them, we can be certain that it takes great humility to follow another person’s lead, too.

Whether we lead or follow, it takes faith and humility.

Husbands must also realize that leading does not mean that they must do everything. Good leaders know how to delegate. Our wives may have abilities in various areas that surpass ours.

A wise leader delegates without relinquishing overall responsibility.

Those of us who tend toward being domineering must learn to put others first and become servants. Serving others is not a sign of weakness. Jesus was the greatest servant of all, but he is unquestionably the Lord of lords.

What Assuming Proper Headship Can Mean for our Wives

Even strong women appreciate husbands who step up and lead. Less strong wives may appreciate it even more. However, when a wife has operated as the functioning head of the family for a long time, it may be quite difficult to let go and trust the husband to assume his proper place. God’s grace will be needed.

Husbands who act as servant leaders and provide proper headship for their wives and families help create a safe atmosphere of security, love, and peace in their families. This removes pressure from the wife that God never intended for her to carry. What a relief!

Proper headship erects a barrier against satanic temptation and attack. Proper leadership gives good instruction and guidance, helping to insure that children have every advantage in life. There are no negatives to husbands being loving and humble servant leaders to their families.

Prayer for Husbands Who Want to Lead Properly

Lord, Jesus, please forgive me for failing to lead my family as I should. I trust you to help me be the leader, provider, protector, teacher, guide, and keeper of my family. I understand that you are all those things for me. It gives you pleasure to help me represent you to those I love. Help me to lovingly serve my wife and children. Help me to be an example of a disciple and show them how to follow you for themselves. Help me to be lovingly firm, when I need to be, and flexible, when that is more appropriate. Help me to be patient with them as they adjust to the “new me.” Amen.