I suppose all of us who have lived for very long have experienced disappointment in friendship – anything from failure to keep a promise or a confidence to outright betrayal, from unkind words to slander and lies.
There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 (NLT)
Every follower of Christ will be faced with relational disappointment because we are fallen people living in a sin-scarred world.
The world and the church are full of people who are “broken” or at least still “under construction,” who will disappoint us at times or maybe quite often. Rather than becoming embittered or disillusioned when this happens, Jesus wants to teach us how to handle these disappointments in friendship properly. Our own spiritual life and growth is at stake. Our Lord was thoroughly and completely betrayed by one of his own disciples, and even Peter, who was one of his closest three followers, publicly denied knowing Jesus at the time of his most severe testing. How did our Lord handle these “disappointments” and what can we learn from him?
Understanding Our New Covenant Relationship with Father God
Before looking in more detail at the idea of friendship, let us consider what a covenant relationship is. Today, when we talk about covenants, we usually mean some sort of business contract. In the Bible, covenants were much more relationally pervasive and meaningful.
A Bible covenant is a solemn promise made before God between two or more persons that is often sealed in blood, usually has some sort of sign or token attached to it, and stipulates a punishment for those who violate it.
In Genesis 15, when Abraham asked for “proof” that the promises God made to him would come to pass, the Lord had Abraham kill and divide several animals and lay them out on the ground. In the evening, God appeared in the form of a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch and passed (walked) between those pieces. The slain animals represented what would happen to whomever violated the covenant. Since God alone walked through the pieces of the slain animals, it meant he took upon himself sole responsibility for keeping the covenant. This made it a unilateral or one-sided covenant. Normally, in bilateral (between two parties) covenants, both parties would walk together, illustrating their commitment to keep the terms of the covenant or face the fate of the slain animals for violating it.
It is powerfully encouraging that God represented himself by two symbols. The New Covenant is a covenant between the Father and the Son (Jesus). Jesus took full responsibility for keeping the covenant with his Father upon himself (carrying us on his shoulders, so to speak), and even paid in advance the penalty of our violation of the Old Covenant by dying in our place on the cross. Did I hear you say, “Hallelujah?”
Both the Abrahamic Covenant and New Covenant are unilateral, unconditional covenants of grace.
God, the covenant maker, by walking between the slain animals, said to Abraham (and us) in symbolic form, “May it be done to me as has been done to these animals, if I fail to keep the terms of this covenant.” The author of the Letter to the Hebrews mentions this:
God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. 18 So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. Hebrews 6:17-18 (NLT)
Covenants can be between equals, between a sovereign and his vassals, between a husband and wife, or between God and his people.
The New Covenant was inaugurated when Jesus shed his blood on the cross for us. We enter into a relationship with Father God as his child through the New Covenant with Jesus having paid in advance for all of our sinful breaches of covenant faithfulness to God. We are completely secure in God’s love because we no longer relate to him on a performance basis. We have nothing more to prove. We have been given Christ’s very own righteous standing before our heavenly Father! Ours is now to live out what Christ has provided for us. We have been given a new nature. We are inhabited by God’s own Spirit. We now have the ability to live as covenant sons and daughters through the power of the indwelling resurrected Christ.
Our heavenly Father is not waiting for us to “mess up” so he can terminate the relationship. (Hebrews 8:7-12)
Rather, he knew ahead of time that we all would fail on our end; so, he sent his Son to pay the penalty for our failure in advance; so that we can enjoy the privileges and pleasure of being God’s children forever. This is the basis of our eternal friendship with God, which was provided for us at a tremendous price by Someone who was and is absolutely committed to us.
Covenant Commitments and Friendship
Friendships may come and go, but covenant bonds remain. Let that sink in. This is why marriage is traditionally launched by a covenant ceremony in which each partner pledges exclusive fidelity to the other until death.
Friendships are broken by some people for relatively trivial reasons, but covenant bonds, like marriage, should never be treated so lightly.
Friendships may crash upon the rocks of unmet expectations, but covenant relationships are built upon a vow of faithfulness, regardless of how things may turn out – for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
In covenant relationships, personal happiness or fulfillment is never the highest good. Faithfulness to the other person is. This runs counter to our pop culture, but lines up perfectly with God’s ways.
People today are often unfaithful to the promises they make. Instead many live in a foolish pursuit their own interests and desires, regardless of how that may affect others. Divorce has become widely acceptable for the flimsiest of reasons. Many choose to avoid the drama and cost associated with divorce by refusing to make a covenant commitment in the first place. They opt to live together as long as it suits them, keeping open the option of abandoning the other, claiming that this encourages a healthy relationship.
This lack of commitment pervades society and has profoundly affected the church, too. It is not surprising that the USA leads the world now in the percentage of children living in single parent homes. People come and go in their relationship to local churches, feeling no sense of “belonging” or “commitment.” For those who have drunk deeply of our culture’s abandonment of covenant commitment, church is just one more consumer offering. Whichever church best suits my needs for the moment has my temporary allegiance and, perhaps, financial support. Some people, who have been previously hurt or disappointed by church, in order to avoid being hurt again, refuse to commit at all and just hang out on the periphery. This creates a huge loss for the individual and the kingdom of God.
Not much good happens in life without commitment.
Handling Unmet Expectations
One of the greatest friendship destroyers is when one friend fails to meet the expectations of the other. Despite having been saved by grace, we may still measure other people in a “tit for tat” manner. This is how the world operates, but is a far cry from what Jesus taught his followers. Take a look at the following verses from the sermon on the mount.
Do to others as you would like them to do to you. 32 “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. 35 “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. Luke 6:31-36 (NLT)
Jesus challenges us to love on a higher level than comes naturally to us. Instead of passively accepting violations of friendship or retaliating in kind, Jesus teaches us to counter punch with love.
What would happen if we handled our disappointments in friendship this way?
All of us are “broken” by sin in some way. Unhealed brokenness promotes a dysfunctionality in which we try to fill up the “hole” in our souls with another human being. We consciously or unconsciously hope they will be for us what only God can be.
Such dysfunctionality can lead us to place unreasonable expectations on our friends and spouses. Few things are so devastating to a relationship.
No human being is capable of measuring up to such demands. Healthy people run away from these kinds of dysfunctional expectations, but unhealthy individuals allow themselves to become entangled in destructive relationships. Until Jesus heals us, we cannot discern what is wrong, since we are part of the problem. Jesus wants us to love dysfunctional people without being sucked into their dysfunction, if they will allow us.
Betrayal
But what about when a relationship is shaken by betrayal? Betrayals are woven into the fabric of life because people are inherently sinful. Everyone has been or will be betrayed eventually, and, even worse, we may betray someone who deserves far better from us.
Does betrayal require the termination of a relationship? It certainly can be legitimate grounds, as our Lord demonstrated when he taught that the marriage covenant can be terminated if one party commits adultery against the other. (Matthew 5:32)
Betrayal is first and foremost a breach of trust.
Once trust is broken, it is difficult, perhaps impossible, to restore. Someone once said that trust is like a rose. A betrayal is similar to taking that rose and crushing its petals. A heartfelt apology and repentance go a long way to mending the damage done by a betrayal, but it cannot restore the rose to its former beauty. Thankfully, with God, all things are possible. I have seen couples rocked by adultery rebound over time with an even stronger relationship and marriage than they had before the betrayal. But trust takes time to mend. Never abandon hope.
A great example of God’s power to restore is Peter’s denial or betrayal of the Lord. Peter imagined that he was the most loyal of all Jesus’ band. He openly affirmed that even though everyone else might abandon Jesus, he never would. Peter imagined that his close relationship with the Lord was built upon his own faithfulness. Jesus, however, is never fooled by appearances. He understood Peter’s weaknesses, even to the point of publicly prophesying that Peter would deny him three times.
Can you imagine the scene? Peter had just boasted that he would always be faithful, even unto death, when Jesus looked him in the eyes and told him that he would betray him that night. What must Peter and the other disciples have thought?
Jesus knows exactly what is in each of us and loves us anyway. Our relationship with Jesus is grounded in his faithfulness, not ours. That is the essence of the New Covenant.
My folksy definition of a true friend is someone who knows what we are really like and loves us anyway. Jesus certainly is such a true friend. He was Peter’s friend, even in the aftermath of betrayal. Peter’s denial did not surprise or offend Jesus. He knew it was coming and realized it was part of Peter’s development as a disciple. Peter had to learn that he could not trust in himself, but only in the Lord. Many leaders would write off a person like Peter, who failed miserably under pressure. How could one possibly trust such a person again? Jesus, however, not only continued to love Peter, but he kept him in his leadership role, giving him pastoral responsibilities toward the rest of the disciples. Amazing!
History tells us that Peter never again abandoned his faithfulness to Jesus and eventually died as a martyr, being crucified upside down.
One of the most powerful life changers in the world is encountering unconditional love, especially after we fail in some significant way.
God’s love “never fails” according to First Corinthians Chapter Thirteen, but unfortunately church people often do.
Covenant Christians are called to demonstrate unfailing love toward one another and toward a lost and hurting world. The basis of our salvation is that God loved us despite our treachery toward him. He asks us to pass on the blessing to others.
Conclusion
When we enter into a friendship with another person, it is always “risky,” but, since true friendship is worth it, we take the risk in the hope that things will end well. Friendships can grow, remain steady, or can wither away. Sometimes they end abruptly because of some offense or disappointment. One reason our friendships are so up and down is because they are riding upon our expectations rather than our commitment to love the other person. A wise person enters every relationship cautiously, realizing that it is necessary to periodically evaluate the true nature of a relationship. This helps us to guard against placing unrealistic expectations upon the other person.
Unlike us, Jesus knows in advance all our weaknesses and failures. When he chooses to befriend us, it is without any misplaced hopes or expectations. Because of this, he is never surprised and remains constant regardless of our ups and downs. He never wavers in his love and commitment to us.
I suggest that we enter into friendships and covenant relationships with the understanding that we certainly will be disappointed at some point along the way. Go ahead and get that behind you from the start. Then start building a redemptive friendship that remains true in the face of adversity. Be one of those friends who “sticks closer than a brother.” Let’s show the world what real love looks like.
